May/June 2013: It felt like a challenge: earlier time zone, hot and humid weather, exotic food, unfamiliar language – Brazil is different from the U.S. in so many ways! Some are wonderful differences and some others, not so much. I was so nervous to bring home 3 Americans! To plan a vacation for my foreign family, ensure their safety and well-being, their fun and relaxation. It was a tall order.

Chris and I packed* during 3 days. Gifts, check. Clothes and flip-flops, check. Documents, check. Cleaned the house, hired a cat sitter and set the DVR to record the Bachelorette, obviously. We headed to Florida for a few days, where we met Bill and Dianne (Chris’ parents) for the 1^st part of our month-away vacation. We arrived full of energy and ready to take on new experiences. We unpacked* and went to the beach, took a Segway tour through Naples and dined seafood. The weather was beautiful. Slightly tanned, we repacked* to Brazil: 4 people with 7 suitcases and 5 carry-ons later, we drove to Miami Intl Airport. The bags almost didn’t fit in Bill’s truck – please note this is the way TO Brazil and no shopping had been done at this time.

The 2nd part of our trip was an overnight flight straight to Recife, my hometown. It was bumpy, busy and lasted 7 hours. We arrived with messy hairs, in need of showers and slightly tired. My family was waiting and we headed straight to my mother’s house, where Deskt, my tiny Yorkie, was waiting for me. Unpacked*. I gave away gifts and emptied one suitcase. Repacked*. We headed to the beach front hotel, stayed on the 28^th floor with a gorgeous view, almost a dream. Unpacked*. The following days were filled with meeting family and friends, casual dinners and trips to the surrounding malls. The shopping started (insert suspense track)…

After a few days, it was time for the 3^rd part of our trip: we repacked* and flew to the southern-most state of Brazil – Rio Grande do Sul. A driver waited for us and took us slightly north, to the city of Gramado, where we would spend the next 5 days. It was cold, unlike Recife, in the mid 40’s. We arrived at this gorgeous bed & breakfast, the rooms were chalets overlooking the gardens. We unpacked*. Louise, a childhood friend of mine, had planned dinner for us and we left for a night out in the small and quaint German-inspired, city. Diets out the window, we went home (hotel) to a freezing room – no thermostats, no heaters and $10 for a bundle of firewood. We burned it like there was no tomorrow. Firewood gone, rooms cold, we had to find other stuff to burn. Chris and Bill sailed out for anything we could use: an unpleasant book Dianne insisted on giving up, logs and dry leaves. We burned it all and were still cold. By the next morning and unable to feel our extremities, we decided to move to another hotel. We packed* and left after breakfast.

Finally the heater was working, the shower was hot and the bed was very comfy. We went to a steam engine museum, a Lavender field, a crystal factory, a cheese shop. We also went to a chocolate factory, a typical dinner show and a place called Mini Mundo:  where you see miniature replicas of random cities, churches, homes and parks. We saw mini traffic accidents, huge ships and trains and an angry father yelling at the tattooed boyfriend of his beautiful daughter. The shopping was in full-speed: there was no turning back and Dianne already wanted to move there! Time to leave Gramado, we packed* and headed back to Recife for the 4^th part of our trip.

Back to the same beach front hotel, Chris and I stayed at the 33^rd floor. The view was even more amazing! We unpacked*: my brother’s wedding was around the corner. Arrangements were made at the hair salon for the ladies, set up for the rides to and from church/venue and the last cases of whisky were bought. It was time – My brother married the love of his life, the bride was glowing with happiness and everyone else looked stunning, dressed to the 9’s. It was a beautiful ceremony, followed by an amazing party and I got kicked out of it at 3:30am for having too good of a time (my own dad shipped me back to the hotel). My brother followed us with his newly-wedded spouse. The next morning was full of laughter and stories, seasoned by our hangovers and cellphone pictures.  Too soon we had to say our goodbyes and embark into the 5^th part of our trip: Porto de Galinhas Beach.

We packed* lightly (flip-flops and swimming suits) and made the 1h trip down the northeast coast. We arrived and unpacked*. Again, we were at another bed and breakfast, also right at the beach. It had rained a bit but we were hopeful for good weather. Sure enough, we woke up to gorgeous blue skies. The sun was scorching hot, perfect for a lazy day at the beach. We overpaid for our meal, bathed in sunscreen and got carried-away by the waves. We shopped some more, at which point Dianne said she would now move to Porto (!). Bill and Dianne had a busy night with a broken A/C and, eventually, having run out of toilet paper, Bill went on a hunt at 3am to find more. He didn’t, and ended up raiding the beach bathroom at the lobby. Luckily he never got in trouble for that!

The following day was rainy and we slept in – everyone was also still tired from the wedding, and once the rain went away, we took a buggy ride to other beaches nearby, where we witnessed the most pristine and warmest waters. Upon returning from the buggy ride, we took a raft ride to a natural swimming pool, about 300ft from the shore. The sun was going down but the water was still warm. We swam with a bunch of little fish and took the raft back to shore. Dinner – more shopping – and bed. We packed*. Our stuff was already spilling out of the bags…

In Recife for the 6^th part of our trip, we were now staying at the 26^th floor of the hotel. We could see the beach and the people walking or playing soccer, the tide coming and going. This was one last step before coming back to the U.S. – the real life. The last visits by family and friends. It was the day trip to my grandparents’ city (Caruaru) - where Bill ate ants and goat - and the quick stop for a bit of shopping in Gravata.  It was the amazing visit to the artsy city of Olinda, where we shopped some more. We went to a museum (Instituto Ricardo Brennand) that tells the Dutch history of Recife and where you can see a collection of more than 3.000 weapons. It was the night when I washed my dog and ended up staying overnight at my mom’s.

And so we said our goodbyes, hugged and wished Minnesota and Recife were closer. We started packing* at 11pm, the night before our flight back here. There were all those suitcases, all that shopping, all the stuff that had, somehow, multiplied itself. We went back and forth between rooms and fitting stuff between our and Bill’s bags. Almost all done, Chris realized he did not have his passport. “OH SH*T!” does not cover it. We started calling the lobby and asking if maybe the passport was on the 33^rd floor. The room was busy and they couldn’t check until the next morning. Our flight was at 9:30am and we were leaving the hotel at 6:30am, there was no time! Then maybe it was left in the hotel in Porto, which would mean travelling to get it and absolutely missing the flight. At least we would retrieve it. I called Porto. Our previous room was also busy and, at midnight, they could not check on it. “Was it stolen?” We didn’t know. Maybe Bill had it in one of the bags we had been hauling back and forth. Chris checked. Nothing. “We have to unpack!*”, I said. Dianne comes over to our room to help. All 3 suitcases and 2 carry-ons unpacked*. Nothing. “Call the U.S. Embassy”, Bill says. Chris calls the hotline. No help. The old passport would expire on the 12^th – the day of the flight – and had the Brazilian visa on it, but it was clipped, invalid. I called my dad: “what should we do?” He says: “since he does have a passport with the visa, even though it’s clipped, we can try and get him on the plane. If it doesn’t work, you two will have to postpone the return and get him another passport.” Devastated, we repacked* for the gazillionth (but not last) time – defying the laws of Physics, it all fit! – and went to bed.

6:30am, rushed to shower, rushed to breakfast, rushed to the airport. Check-in attempt frustrated, we were sent to talk to the Feds. One, two, three cops later, they call the U.S. Immigration Office. After what seemed a lot of no’s, they had authorized his boarding. That’s when I broke down in relief! Phew!

A day flight, completely empty, and a lot of cat naps later, we arrived in Miami. However, without a passport, Chris was held back at the Immigration, along with Bill and Dianne. I got in just fine and, unsuspectedly, called Bill over and over to know where the heck they were. It turns out that, since they were still inside, where cellphone use is not allowed, and while attempting to text me that they would be a while, Bill had his phone confiscated and someone kept an eye on him for not complying with the rules… Outside, I had to fend off a Russian guy who insisted one of the 7 bags I was hoarding was his. “My”, he’d say – with almost 0 English to show. I’d show him the tag: “Christopher Bartley - my husband, my bag.” To what he replied: “Moscow - my.” His wife came to his aid and they tried to take away the bag. I grabbed it from them. Russian guy: “open bag”, and I’m thinking “no way I’m opening my bag, just read the damn tag!” Finally he found his own suitcase – completely different than mine, tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to the bag with a smile: “my”…

After we saw a couple in handcuffs and a drunk lady, we headed over to Bonita Springs and unpacked*. It already felt like home, the 7^th part of our trip. We went to the beach, took a crazy golf cart ride (compliments of yours, truly) and watched the new Superman movie. Too soon again, it was time to pack*. One last thing: the beach – the day of the flight, one last time at the beach. And the quick 40min we had to spare became a whole 1h20min of bliss. Basically, we left the beach when we were supposed to leave the house to go to the airport…

Can you guess it? Yes, we missed the flight. Pedro, the Brazilian concierge attendant, said there were no more flights available that day. I squealed. Oh, he found it. Two hours later, via Detroit, the last 2 seats in the plane. Only one problem: 2 of the 3 suitcases were overweight (which meant a $90 fine for each!) I squealed again! Hold on a sec – unpack, repack*. Now we had only one that was overweight! $90 for the bag and a couple sandwiches later, we boarded. We went through Detroit and then Minneapolis, safely.

In the end, I took my Gringos to Brazil and we had a very successful and safe trip, full of great memories and unbelievable stories I cannot tell here – they’re now family heirlooms. And after a month away, we came home tanned burned, tired and full of dirty laundry, to find a house with two needy and vocal cats, no groceries and what can only be referred to as “the kingdom of dust.” But we had fun. It was awesome! On Monday, we couldn’t make it to work. We had a bunch of chores to do and, finally, for the last time, unpack*.

*Did you count how many times we packed/unpacked? I lost count too…

PS. All photos were taken with my cellphone!